Hello! Welcome to episode 86 of I’d Rather Stay In. This week, we are interviewing growth and development coach TaKenya Hampton about overcoming fear.

Quick links

• TaKenyaHampton.com
• Transparency and Truth Podcast
• @Takenyabrownhampton on Instagram
• Pop Fizzion (handmade bath products)
• Joshua Weissman: An Unapologetic Cookbook

Episode transcript

Megan
Welcome to I’d rather stay in with your hosts Megan Myers and Stephie Predmore. This week we’re chatting about confronting fear with our special guest TaKenya Hampton. Stay tuned.

Stephie
Do you love listening to I’d rather stay in and want to support the podcast? Well, now you can visit our website or the link in our Instagram profile and click Buy me a coffee or visit buy me a coffee.com slash IRSI podcast. For the price of a cup of coffee, you can help us cover the costs of creating this podcast. There are no monthly memberships, and you could support us at whatever level you’d like whenever you like, whether you buy us one coffee, many coffees or simply continue listening as always, we’re so grateful for your support.

Hello, hello.

Megan
Hi, Stephie Hey, Megan,

Stephie
what’s up?

Megan
I have been thinking about this thing for a while now. And it’s really starting to bother me. You are a fan of Sharon says so Instagram. And a few weeks ago, she said that she does not have an internal voice. She said that she does not have an internal voice as in she does not hear things in her head. And then I fell upon someone else who said that they don’t see things in their head. Like if you say a purple Apple, she does not see a purple apple in her head. So

Stephie
okay, so I’ve seen I have so okay. I have come across accounts of this before like scattered. And I had missed the thing that Sharon said only because her stories like don’t show up in my like story feed hardly ever I have to like seek her out. So I miss her stuff a lot of the time. So I miss that. Most of the time I see it. It’s like people like in memes or something talking about it. I I’m yet to see somebody that I follow say it. And that part that one I find very strange. Because like, what what goes on in your head? Like, where’s What? I don’t like what’s happening in your head? Is it just empty space? Like, I’m very confused. But the visualizing thing. I’ve seen a couple tic tocs on this recently. And I saw one that was like, because I’ve seen you know where people are like, yeah, this is really like use you tell me to visualize like, an apple, a purple apple and like I can’t like I don’t picture it like I just don’t see it. And then there’s people who like see it very clearly. The one that Tick Tock that I I identify the most with was like, like, but But what if what if you have anxiety? And like, you think you see the purple apple? But then you’re not sure? And are you the person that sees it or not? Or is what you’re seeing what the other person seeing because you can’t know what the person is seeing and what or maybe you’re not seeing it clearly enough and you actually fall in the other category. And then You’re overthinking it and you don’t know what, what and what you’re seeing in your brain. And I was like, Yes, that’s me.

Megan
Okay, well, that’s a whole other issue.

Stephie
This is why I’m in therapy. Yes, we’ve discussed I think

Megan
any of those people who are worrying too much about the anxiety part of it are seeing the apple in their brain.

Stephie
I think I’m probably seeing the apple, but I do think this every time though I’m like, wait, I like to close my eyes and be like, okay, where do I fall on the spectrum of seeing the apple?

Megan
It sounded like the people who don’t see anything, just don’t see anything at all. They just know what an apple looks like. And they know what purple looks like, but they don’t picture it in their mind. So then, taking that and then also thinking about Sharon saying she does not have an inner monologue. I I just I know that I have both of those things together. I don’t know what to do with it. And I’m very confused.

Stephie
People who don’t have an inner monologue fall asleep a lot faster at night because they don’t have their inner monologue keeping them up.

Megan
probably

Stephie
wonder what that’s like to just fall asleep.

Megan
But how do you read a book? And not how do you enjoy books? Yeah, you don’t have an inner monologue or the ability to picture things in your I just, I just have a lot of questions. And I think it’s fascinating that people have this problem. And so now I’m probably gonna have to go look it up, but I just don’t understand how it works.

Stephie
I mean, they’ve probably really bothered me To be fair, they probably don’t understand how our brains work either. They’re like, what they see things or they hear things like, That’s weird. It’s It is very strange because you get to this like point in adulthood and then you’d realize like, not everyone like, processes thoughts in the same way that you do? And it just least circles me back to like, Are we all seeing the same colors and probably not and are we all hearing the same sounds and probably not and and and owning your own My brain hurts

Megan
you, bro. So that’s what I’ve been thinking about. Thanks, Megan. That mlms, you know?

Stephie
Yeah, we both watched the Lula rich documentary basically the moment we stopped recording last week, and it’s excellent and everyone should go watch it, and then fall down deep down into the tick tock rabbit hole of all of the, like, posts loula rich, tick tock content, it’s excellent, highly recommended.

Megan
I think some people like true crime, and I apparently really enjoy companies being taken down via documentary.

Stephie
I mean, it is pretty if you, if you enjoyed the fyre fest documentaries, you will definitely enjoy the lula rich documentary, it’s on amazon prime, it’s like a four part series. It’s very, it’s bananas.

Megan
It’s a lot.

Stephie
It is a lot. It is a lot. So everyone’s homework is to go watch that and then come back and report back to us all of your thoughts because we want to hear all of them. That’s amazing. So completely pivoting. Fear is something that all of us have to deal with in one way or another. But it doesn’t always have to be considered a bad thing.

Megan
Fear can actually be a tool in our journey of self growth. And to help us learn more about this. We’ve invited our friend coach and fellow podcaster TaKenya Hampton. Welcome TaKenya. Okay. Hey, thanks for having me on guy.

Stephie
We’re so glad to have you here, too. Can you please tell our listeners a little about yourself?

TaKenya
First of all, I just want to tell you guys that that conversation right? There was mind boggling. My brain was ready to explode. Like, wait a minute, what do you mean people don’t see things? Or like they don’t hear things? Like how? And when you said do they go to sleep earlier? I was imagining what that must be like to lay down and just close your eyes and not hear stuff or to have thoughts?

Stephie
Yeah, it’ll just like have your, like this inner voice just constantly talking to you. Oh my gosh, narrating everything you’re doing.

TaKenya
Right. Right. And then to not have that, like, Who are you? Like, are you? Uh, I can’t. So. Yeah, my brain was about to explode. Anyway. You’re gonna have me going down the loula Ridge, tic tac rabbit hole, avoiding. I’m sure there is so much to be fascinated by because that documentary was insane. And I didn’t even get into the whole Lula row. anything. I just found out what it was not long ago. But watching that documentary. I was like, Oh my gosh, my son was like, Is this like one of those crime shows? And I was like, Oh, he’s watching it. And then he looks over at me. He’s like, Mom, when does the crime happen? And I was like, Oh, it’s not murdery crime. It’s a different kind of crime.

Stephie
It’s been happening and you didn’t realize

TaKenya
he was so ready for it because he has this vested interest all of a sudden in like crime shows and figuring out who did it and why. Oh my gosh. So yeah, hilarious things that we are entertaining at eight years old. But hey. Hey, guys. So anyway, thanks, guys for having me on. My name TaKenya Hampton. And I am a personal professional development coach. Particularly working with women to help them overcome their fears. understand who they are, identify strengths and weaknesses, and then live the best life that they decide they want for themselves with all of that information packaged together for them. I have a podcast called transparency and truth. The whole first season was dedicated to overcoming fears. And then I also have a blog where I share information about overcoming fears, different strategies, things to look for. getting to the root cause of your fears, and all of that. And that’s it in a nutshell.

Stephie
I love it. I also like that you taught you say, I like the way that you framed, like what you do in that like helping people to, like live the basically, like live the best life that they want for themselves. As opposed to just like I’m gonna help you live your best life ever. Like

TaKenya
Yeah, because realistically, living your best life is different for every person. Yeah. And if we put our phones down, then we can define that for ourselves. But we have a tendency to scroll social media and see what everybody else is doing. And oh, this equals best life. So I’m not living mine yet. And that may not even be what you want to do. So I like to get down to the root of like, what is it that you want to do? Why aren’t you doing it? what’s holding you back from it? And let’s figure out how to get you there.

Stephie
Love that. So yeah, that’s awesome.

Megan
So we’ve all experienced fear. And yet, it’s still hard to explain. So what exactly is fear and what causes it.

TaKenya
So basically, fear is just like an emotional response to something that you perceive as a threat, or even like a dangerous situation. And in good cases, if there’s such a thing, it’s, it helps keep us safe. But when it’s a problem is when it’s up against an irrational fear or an irrational situation that you have a fear around. So like a perceived threat, can be good. It’s the fear can be good and a perceived threat. If, say, for instance, someone is chasing you, and you need the adrenaline rush to get you behind out of there, right. But then the problem is, when you have a fear, like for instance, a fear of failure, that is an irrational fear, that stops you from living your best life.

Stephie
So how does fear manifests itself in our lives?

TaKenya
So fear manifests in a lot of different ways for a lot of different people. So I think one of the biggest things especially like with the FOMO, that we have nowadays, and everything, you know, with the internet, social media, is imposter syndrome. I think that’s the biggest one that I see, with clients that I’ve been working with, is having this fear of being found out to be a fraud. Another way that fear will manifest is like in the form of addictions. So because you fear something, you may have like this addiction to another thing that helps you avoid the fear. I’ve seen that happen. And then the other thing is stress, like you’re stressing about it, everything, you have anxiety about everything, because there is a certain fear present, and it’s causing you to kind of like, go into overdrive about that thing.

Stephie
The addiction thing is really interesting to me, because I had never thought of it in that framing before. Because I was thinking about addiction is like, it’s often a control mechanism. And I guess, you know, we can think of that as like a fear of being out of control. But it is also very interesting to think of it as like, you are sort of offsetting of fear with whatever that addiction may be.

TaKenya
I mean, you kind of just hit the nail on the head, really, if you think about it in terms of addiction, like if you are offsetting it with an addiction, even though typically if you have an addiction, then you don’t have control. But when you’re using it as an offset to say a fear, you are thinking that you’re controlling this thing versus the fear having control over you know what I’m saying? Yeah,

Stephie
absolutely. Yeah, that’s super interesting.

Megan
So yeah, so while we’re like in, in the moment experiencing the fear, how can we tell the difference between what is a good fear and what is a bad fear?

TaKenya
So, like I had mentioned, the good fear is the kind that you need and experience to protect yourself. So you know, like if if there is a real perceived threat, and a lot of times we think about it in terms of like something happening right in front of us but there can be a threat that is not necessarily physically happening in front of you. But a bad fear is like the ones where there is no danger that comes up so when you have a fear and you’re asking yourself you have to ask yourself like what is it that has me scared of this thing? For instance, like even if you’re scared of spiders, for instance, which can be right in front of you, you see a spider you freeze up you run you don’t want to kill it, somebody else has to kill it, that whole thing like that, too. You can be a perceived threat, but then another person that’s like good, don’t do anything here. Just kill it. You have to kind of drill down and see like what is it Has you scared of spiders? A lot of times with your fears, there’s a root cause that that happened with a whether it was that you did get bit by a spider when you were younger, or you saw spider bite pictures on the internet. So now you’re scared of that potentially happening to you. Like, you have to ask yourself, like, Where is this coming from? You know, I mean,

Stephie
you kind of have to like, almost figure out the nuance of, like, Where’s the line between the rational and irrational parts of it?

TaKenya
Right. And then, for me, like, typically, a bad fear is one that’s holding you back from something. So good fears will cause you to protect yourself, you know, you have the adrenaline rush, and all of that, that can come along with being scared. But when you have all of those things present, and it’s holding you back from something, then that’s when you know that it’s probably something that’s not good for you.

Stephie
That’s so interesting, cuz I think that the ability to discern, like, cuz I do, I mean, I think that there are some very clear like, like, this is rational, this is irrational, like, this is a fear that is keeping you safe versus this is a fear, that’s like holding you back, because you’re just like afraid of the failure or something like that. And then I think like, as you dig into it, like, I would imagine, it starts to get a little bit more nuanced of like, there’s a line between when it turns from a bad fear to a good fear and a good fear to a bad fear, like, like, you don’t want to do something to the point where like, you really could bring financial ruin to your family. But you also don’t want to keep yourself in a box to stay so safe, that you never take a chance on doing something that could be really good for you like,

TaKenya
right? Or could be the best experience of your life or a like.

Stephie
Yeah, how do you like kind of suss out the delineation between those things and, and figure out where that line is for you of like, Okay, I’m going to push myself out of my box, I’m going to push myself out of my fear, but also knowing where the limit of safety is for you. And like, whatever that definition is, in this situation.

TaKenya
So to me, I think, you figure out where your line stands when you have an understanding of like, what your personal values are, and then also what your goals are. And so when you like you use the example of putting yourself in financial ruin, right? So you can have two people who similar financial situation. Like, one isn’t a risk taker, the other one is like, No, I’m gonna collect all of my coins, I’m not going to do anything extra, I’m going to live a very simple life, because I have to be prepared just in case. And so for those two people, it’s a matter of determining, like, what’s most important to them. So like the person who’s like the risk taker, it can’t be like, financial security is not something that like a high, high value if you’re an extreme risk taker, right? Like you’re willing to take the gamble and hope for the best, but you’re also willing to pick yourself up. If it doesn’t go the best. Where the person who is, you know, very financially savvy, they probably don’t put adventure high on their list of values or priorities for their life, you know what I mean? Yeah, and so you have to kind of look at, like, what matters to me. And at the end of the day, what’s going to leave me feeling fulfilled and like I lived a fulfilled life. And then that’s where you have to gauge what you’re good fear versus bad fear, like where you draw that line in the plan.

Stephie
Once again, we’re coming back to like, it’s gonna be based on every single person, and you can’t and you can’t base your definition on what somebody else is doing.

TaKenya
Exactly, exactly. Because the other part of it like for instance, the person who is extremely financially savvy, it may be that they do want to live a more adventurous life and they do want to, you know, vacation more or, you know, invest or whatever it is that they want to spend their money on, that they’re not spending and they feel like that is holding them back the fact that they are so financially savvy. So then that’s a situation where you got to be like, Okay, well what is it that makes you feel like you have to save like this, it could be a person that grew up in a single parent household where they were struggling to make ends meet. And so when they got older, they said, I’m gonna do something totally different cuz I don’t ever want to live like this again. But now you’ve allowed that fear to take over, like your life to stop you from living your best life, what what you would deem to be your best life? Yeah,

Megan
for somebody who is that person who wants to take that leap from being afraid for, you know, I guess lack of overall better word for that? But how do they kind of? How do they do it? How do they overcome those fears? How do they embrace the fear, to be able to take those challenges, take those risks to move on with their lives, like aside from going to therapy, and like, internalizing these issues, like what techniques are out there for them to use.

Unknown Speaker
So to me, what I always tell people is like, you have to really do a self inventory, and get to know yourself. Like, that was one of the things that started happening for me, I want to say, maybe about two years ago, like really intensely, I was just like, questioning certain things that was holding me back, I was suffering from imposter syndrome. Like, there were things that I wanted to do, but that I wasn’t doing, because I was like, Whoa, what are people gonna think or, you know, all of these different things. And I personally decided that I had to get in touch with who I am, who I want to be how I want to show up what I like, and don’t like what my strengths and my weaknesses are, and then figuring out how to leverage my strengths and, you know, kind of strengthen my weaknesses where I could. And then that helped me get solid on like, what my goals and values were for myself, like, so going back to that, like, you have to have a clear understanding of where you want to go in order to get there. And when you’re talking about overcoming fears, you have to understand what it is it’s making you scared of whatever the thing is. I remember when I worked in in government work, I wanted to, before I even started doing that I had always said like, when my daughter was in high school, I was gonna go and be a college professor, I want to teach, I’ve always kind of had a passion for when I know something, I want to share that knowledge and preferably to share it in a way that people actually can digest it and understand. And so when I was working for the government, I had the opportunity to do like new hire, training and onboarding, assess every time I will be so scared to get up in front of these people and talk to them for a whole week for their onboarding and new hire training. But every week, at the end of it, people will come to me and say how much they enjoyed it, or how they were able to understand stuff that they had read about that they didn’t understand, and whatever else. And that was really, really fulfilling to me, like, Okay, this work matters, because prior to that, I was just kind of like day in day out bored with what I was doing. And so when I started really tapping into being good at it was when I was started asking myself, like, why am I scared to get up in front of these people? and talk to them and I started drilling that down, like, Where is this coming from? Where does my fear of speaking come from? When people have always told me like Kenya, you’re a good speaker or TaKenya, when you explain something? I finally got it. So I had to tap into me like what it was that was holding me back and allow it, like do the work to allow it do the work to come back to doing what I want it to do in the way that I want it to do it without fear, if that makes sense.

Megan
Yeah. I think one thing that we’re always told, at least in blogging in the blockchain world it’s usually like Well, what’s the worst that could happen? Like usually it’s they’ll say no, and then you’re like, but but that would be devastating. Right people say no, but like you I mean, each know that you get you would learn from it. So it’s just a it’s just a weird hurdle. I think that a lot of people maybe not a weird hurdle, but I think visualizing what will happen for you If you do take this step, and even if it’s an a bad outcome or not your ideal outcome, I think that helps take away a lot of the uncertainty that makes us afraid.

TaKenya
Yeah, like, if you just look at everything, like you were saying, What’s the worst that could happen? The worst that can happen is you learn the lesson from the thing. Like you learn something from it. And that’s whether you decide to like, do the thing again and do it better. Or you’re like, Oh, wait, that’s not for me. I’m not gonna do that anymore. But the the actual act of like, doing the work to overcome a fear is like one of the biggest ways to boost your self confidence. Because when you think you can’t do something, and then you actually do it and do it well, or even, like, put forth the effort. Like for me, I’m not fit. I’m not somebody who’s going to like, enter some type of fitness competition or something like that. Like, that’s just not my ministry. But none of that’s right. But then, you know, when I go and get on my, my bike, and I ride and PR, like, I’m like, Oh, my gosh, like I did that, whatever else. And then I’m like, Okay, well, maybe I’ll try going out for a run tomorrow. Or maybe I’ll go do this. Because that little thing that I’m like, I hate doing this, I’m not good at it. And then I do it and like, get this, like virtual reward for it. I’m not like, Oh, well, maybe I am a little bit fitter than I thought I was. And so like, when you actually move forward in trying to overcome a fear, like you become more and more confident around that thing.

Megan
There’s this thing that actually I kind of hate it, but it kind of fits were related to like fitness stuff, when people are trying to get themselves motivated. And it’s the same thing. We’re like, you know, you get on your bike, you go outside to start that run, or whatever it is, you do your exercise there. I was like, Well, you know, you’re you’re going faster than whoever is sitting on the couch. Right? insane. But in what way it makes sense, like you’re trying so the fact that you’re trying is better than not trying.

TaKenya
Right, right. And that’s putting forth the effort. There’s got to be something that comes from it, right? Like, you may not fully overcome the fear, but then maybe you discover something else that you love doing. Or maybe you discover a strength that you didn’t even know that you had, like, if I didn’t know, or if I didn’t like work to get over the fear, I wouldn’t know that I actually love public speaking. And I’m actually pretty good at it. You know what I mean? So had I never like, took the chance. Or like if somebody asked me like, Can Will you speak here? And I said, No, I would have never known like how much I enjoy that.

Stephie
Yeah. I mean, I’m sitting here thinking about like, when I started my blog, and I was like, Okay, this is like scary and weird to like, start this thing. And like, I don’t know if anyone’s going to read it. And it was like a very, like, my friend had my like, my best friend, like, really had like, pumped me up about it. Like you should do this. You should do this, you should do this. And like, even though like, Am I blogging full time? No. But my blog has been like a jumping off point for my entire career. Like, I support my family, with a career that I am in because I said, Okay, this is kind of scary to put myself out here like this, but I guess I’ll try it. I’ve never really thought of it in those terms. But like sitting here having this conversation, like, is really making me think about that. And

TaKenya
that’s actually the same here. Yeah, that’s the same here. I mean, once you put it that way, you know, had I never hit publish on my first post with the grainy pictures and that paragraphs. I would have never got better at Internet writing or, you know, expressing myself online. And, you know, even the jobs that I’ve had, the work that I’m doing now is because I’ve met people along this journey like that right there alone. Had you never started a blog. We probably would not know each other right now.

Stephie
Like none of us would. Yeah. Yeah, that’s totally bananas to think about.

TaKenya
Yeah. So overcoming your fears just opens up so many other doors that you really don’t see in the in the hallway when you have tunnel vision.

Stephie
Yeah. I want to talk about I want to talk for a minute. Because I, you know, like in our sort of traditional narratives, traditional society, societal narratives, like we think about bravery and fear as this, like very strict dichotomy, like bravery is such a good thing. Fear is such a bad thing. And I think that I think that our definition of bravery is starting to change a little bit. I think that there’s been sort of a movement to like, understanding that being brave doesn’t always mean like, doing this doing the thing that terrifies you like, sometimes it is, like, sometimes that is what that means. But sometimes it’s setting a boundary for yourself and speaking up in a way that is scary. So I just I want to have a conversation a little bit about like this idea of bravery versus fear. And like, you’re just your thoughts on that. That dichotomy that society has sort of set between those two things.

TaKenya
I think that you what you said is true, like the definition of bravery, or what we perceive as being brave is definitely changing. Because even like, bravery can be as seemingly simple as waking up getting dressed and taking a shower. If you’re a depressed person. That’s being brave, you got up and face the thing that you did not want to face that day. Were to somebody else who’s like, I mean, these are things that you have to do every day, what do you mean that it’s brave. For somebody who is in a dark place like that, that is a brave step. I think that there’s like, when I think about brave being at one end of a continuum, and fear being at the other, I would say that the midpoint between there is like that courage piece, where you know that you’re scared of something, but you’re willing to insure your way into possibly overcoming the fear. Or even sometimes it’s not even overcoming the fear. It’s like understanding the fear. You know what I mean? Because some fears you may not overcome, like, if you have a fear of spiders, you may not overcome that fear, but understanding that you have this fear of spiders, how you respond to it, what happens? And like being able to warn other people about it, you know, or being able to be honest with yourself like, Okay, I got invited on this camping trip. Spiders may be a part of this. I may have to sit this one out. You know, those types of things. Courage is like that midpoint, I think between bravery and fear. But I don’t think in all situations that bravery is the opposite of fear. And if that makes sense. Yeah.

Megan
I think courage the term courage to put those right, right in the bit in the middle of the that makes so much sense to me. I like I think courage is just a better term than bravery. Anyway. Your your anecdote about spiders has made me think of myself because I am. I’m very afraid of drowning. And yet, I will still go swimming with my family. We went on a vacation this summer where we all went out on a boat. We’re on the boat for like the whole day.

TaKenya
The worst thing that’s a big deal, I

Stephie
just really had to pee. I really had

Megan
to pee. wee, wee wee, for the most part. We all wear life jackets, everything so that was fine. And I did not think like the boat was going to capsize or anything. But there was a point where everyone was they were taking turns on, you know, the raft thing that you pull behind on the boat. And they all wanted me to do it and everyone else is doing and I was like, you know, like, I know my limits on this boat, but I’m not going out there. So for me like it was just the courage to be out on a boat for eight hours.

TaKenya
Right? That’s a big deal for somebody who’s scared of water scared of drowning.

Megan
It’s weird. I’m afraid of drowning. But I’m like not afraid of the water itself. It’s a whole thing. I don’t know. Okay, okay. It’s by Megan. I don’t want to be under the water. I can be right off the water.

TaKenya
So swimming. Because, yeah, but being out on a boat. I mean, that’s a big deal because like if you go swimming typically, you can find a point that you can stay in Then you’ll be fine. But being out on a boat in the middle of deep water, not knowing how deep the water is, like, that’s a big deal for somebody who has a fear of drowning. And so having the courage to do that, but then also knowing your limits, so that you don’t create, like, and that’s where I think Stephie it was used to just set about creating boundaries and stuff. Yeah. Like, that’s where you drew your boundary, like, Look, y’all I’m here. This is not what’s about to happen. And I’m not going to play with the equipment on the boat, I’m on the boat, that’s good enough, and just, you know, having people respect that boundary.

Megan
Yeah. And I think it’s good to that my kids were there to like, see me demonstrate that boundary, so that they can understand that it’s okay to have them. You don’t need to be diving into those fears, if you’re not ready to. Yeah, I’ve

Stephie
seen like a Facebook post or something go around. And it’s one of those were like, I don’t know if this is true or not, but I liked the story. So I’m gonna go with it. And it was about like a mom and she took her daughter to go get her ears pierced. And they, you know, went to the tech the piercing parlor that like the tattoo piercing parlor and they, you know, we’re all ready to go. And she said she was ready. And then like, right before he and she was like, actually, I don’t think I’m ready to do this. And like, the, you know, the daughter was like, Oh, my gosh, but mom, I wasn’t brave. The mom was like you were you were brave to speak up and say, like, actually, I don’t think I’m ready for this for my body. And like that you set that boundary for yourself. And that’s really awesome. And so, yeah, I think I think it’s interesting, like, as a parent, to think about modeling that for your kids have, like, as the adult, showing them, like, you don’t have to just a do things because everybody else is doing them and be like, you can figure out like you can push your boundaries, but do it’s also okay to set them and say like, okay, I’ve done the thing that was scary to me. But this is where I’m this is where as far as I’m comfortable going or you know, it is like, because i think that i think that that I mean, my child is not old enough to wipe around. But yet, so like, we’re not quite there. But I think like she gets older thinking about like, teaching that to your kids instilling that,

TaKenya
like and the thing is, I think it’s one of those things that is so much easier taught when demonstrate. I mean, most things are like if you demonstrate it for a person versus tell them that so I think about like when I was younger, and I believe we’re like all around the same age. And I just know, back then, like my parents and all of my friends parents was like, you don’t do what everybody else is doing. If everybody else don’t jump off a bridge, are you going to jump to? Like, that was the thing? Yeah. And so. But I don’t remember seeing like my parents demonstrate. And maybe they were doing it, but I just don’t remember seeing them demonstrate like their friends doing something that they’re not okay with and then deciding, like, Oh, no, I’m not gonna do that. And so had I seen that, then it would have made sense when they said, if they jump off the bridge, are you gonna go to him? Of course not. That’s not what we do. But sometimes in my mind, I was like, I might just go off this bridge. United mean, like, right, I think that that is a big deal. You know, when you say that you’re demonstrating to your kids that you’re addressing your fears, and you’re trying to push past them, but then you’re like, showing them. Okay, you can have a stopping point, though, because that’s something like, if you think about what kids deal with in terms of peer pressure, that’s something that they need in their toolbox. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, okay, I’m gonna go ahead and go along with what you guys are doing. But you want your kid to like know when it’s went too far. Yeah.

Stephie
Yeah, and see and see a model of what speaking up looks like. And standing and standing strong in that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Which is sometimes the scariest thing to do.

TaKenya
Yeah, that’s really hard, especially as a young person to go against the grain. I mean, it’s hard for for adults, but let’s keep it real. Like it’s hard as an adult, like if you have a group of friends that are all doing a thing, and you’re the only one who’s not doing that thing to be like, Oh, no, but it’s, I’d say in adulthood, it’s a little bit easier. Yeah. But at Kids, that’s a hard thing. Yeah,

Stephie
it’s hard to be the different one.

TaKenya
until you realize that different is good, which doesn’t happen until later.

Stephie
Usually, until you’re a full full ass adult in your life.

TaKenya
But you know, I always, I’ve always admired people like, even when I was younger, I admire people who got that early on, like that different is good. And like, they were not scared to be themselves and live out loud, and essentially dance to the beat of their own drum. I always admire that.

Stephie
So what you know, as our listeners, if they’re wanting to start to take steps towards embracing their fears, and, you know, figuring out what they want in their life, and how to overcome the things that are scaring them and holding them back, what are some of your favorite resources for that,

TaKenya
um, I would say one of the biggest things lately is affirmations. And also meditation. Again, getting quiet, and still, and being able to hear your own thoughts, not jumbled up with everybody else’s thoughts or what you think everybody else’s expectations of you are. What society’s expectations of you are like, getting still really has helped in for me, like centering myself to be able to pay attention to the things that matter to me. So that I can overcome, overcome fears. And then affirmation. So like, it’s funny, I just published a blog post last week, that had a list of like, over 40 affirmations to speak to fear. And stating things like I always like to say, if you say your affirmations in the mirror and look yourself in the eye, when you say them, you start to believe yourself. At least that’s how it works for me. And then repeating those things over and over again. So like, if if, you know, you tend to back down at heart things, because you’re scared of failure, repeating to yourself that I can do hard things. And when you first say it, you may not believe it, but then if you look yourself in the eyes and say it, then it’s like, okay, I don’t want to lie to myself, I have to, I have to at least try to prove myself, right. And then you do hard things even like, Oh, I’m doing the hard thing. And you say it again, I can do hard things. It’s like, Oh, this is kind of true. So I really love affirmations. But the biggest thing I think is like identifying your cause behind your fear. And that can be done with, you know, working with a therapist, working with a coach or some other type of professional to help you really identify what your fears are, also what your goals are. And then seeing how the fear is keeping you back from where you actually want to be.

Megan
So how can our listeners connect with you and learn more?

Unknown Speaker
Well, my website is takenyahampton.com. no spaces, that’s or anything like that. And then also, I have the transparency and truth Podcast, where we talk about overcoming fear. We talked about setting goals for yourself. Also, coming up for season two I’m really excited about we’re going to be having people shared their stories of like overcoming fears and what that look like on the other side. Because sometimes you need to see that somebody else did the thing and that it’s possible for you to if that person can do it, then I can do it. And so yeah, and I’m on all social media outlets as takenyabrownhampton.

Stephie
Awesome. And we will we will link to all of that in the quick links in the show notes. And also we’ll tag you in our Instagram and Facebook posts as well so that folks can easily find you. So it’s good TaKenya. Thank you so much for being here today. This was an awesome conversation.

TaKenya
For me, it’s always good talking to you.

What’s bringing us joy?

Stephie
So let’s wrap up the week talking about joy what is bringing you joy this week to Kenya.

TaKenya
Oh my joy every week. I have started I think it’s been longer than the top of the year. I don’t know how long it’s been that I’ve been implementing this but I have Sunday baths like around eight or nine o’clock. Mom disappears when that bed room door closing, nobody is allowed to knock at it unless death is on the other side.

Yes. So Sunday’s I really look forward to that I’d take like a nice long one two hour bath that turn on some good music. Sometimes I take a book in there. And that is how I tried to set the tone to start off my week. And I just love it.

Stephie
Do you get like, do you get yourself? Do you treat yourself to like some nice bath bombs and like bath? Oh, yeah. And all that kind of stuff? Yes, I

TaKenya
keep those on deck, because that’s a whole part of the experience. It’s on our family calendar. So nobody forgets that this is happening. Yes, yes. And then I keep candles stopped and plants because I have this level of plants that kind of developed over the last year or two. And yeah, it is it is my place of peace to start the week to in one weekend. Start the next one.

Megan
That sounds amazing. Yes.

Stephie
I like that that I like it is on the family calendar.

TaKenya
It is there and it has a reminder that pops up on Saturday. So they know it’s coming. It’s so funny, because for Labor Day, we had a few people over on Sunday instead of you know, Monday. And so Monday rolled around, obviously Sunday, it didn’t happen because we had company and then after everyone left that was kind of like chillin on the couch. So Monday rolled around, and my husband looked at me he looked at the clock and he was like, you’re not making up for yesterday, today. And I was like, Oh no, I moved it till Tuesday, but you might not have seen that pop up. But it was so funny because I’ve programmed them to know that this is coming like he automatically thought that okay, it didn’t happen on Sunday. It must be happening on Monday.

Stephie
That’s amazing. Yeah. That’s awesome. That this made me think about I I found on tik tok. This accounts like I came across this, this account on my for you page or whatever. And it’s called pop vision. And there are a shop in Oklahoma. And they’re run by LGBTQ person of color. And like they’re in like a super, super conservative town. And so they don’t get a lot of traffic like into their store. But like, they make all of these really, like really cool. bath bombs and all these different products and they try to make sure that they’re not using any like coconut oil or other like allergens because they want to be like, accessible to everyone and like the the person that owns it is just like so you can just like there’s just like this love and joy and positivity that just radiates from them. And I was like, okay, like I’m gonna be ordering bath bombs for like everyone I know, for Christmas from this. I love that. It’s so cool. So that just made me think of that.

TaKenya
You have to send me that link because that sounds amazing. Yeah. And I’m always trying to find like little smaller shops to support and stuff like that. I totally would incorporate some of that into bath day.

Stephie
Yes. Love it.

TaKenya
What about you guys? What’s bringing you joy these days? Well,

Stephie
I just got a we just got a new cookbook in the mail today. Joshua Weissman’s cookbook came out today. And we had pre ordered it. So there was my Amazon package today. So that was pretty exciting. I did let Alex look at it first. I am a nice wife. But I’m pretty excited to dig into that. Because we love Joshua Weissman and his recipes are always really great. So and he’s like, super weird. So just like us, so I’m super excited to dig into that.

Megan
I mean, you know, once Alex starts looking at it, you’re not going to get it back. So pretty much

Stephie
it’s gonna be like, I’m just gonna have to like sneak it off the coffee table until he like finds it again.

TaKenya
him having it means that he’s cooking then I would totally leave it to him.

Stephie
And also like a while he was like, blending up some hot sauce he had fermented earlier, like last week or whatever. So he was like already in like big kitchen mode. And I was like, boy Yeah, Megan, what’s what’s bringing you joy.

Megan
So I have two things. The first one is very small. So that’s why I have a second one. When I was heading out from my walk Yesterday somebody rolled down their car window and complimented my shoes that made my day.

Stephie
Which which shoes were you wearing?

Megan
They are Brooks running shoes. So there were they were like sprinkle shoes. Yes, they were like a special edition. So they’re white with like different colored sprinkles patterned all over them. And then like hot pink with sparkly laser. They’re ridiculous but I love them. And then my other thing is I since getting into tic tac, I have fallen down some weird holes. So how I fell into what I is now being called mug talk, for handmade mugs, and this lady put out a request on tik tok saying, I would like to see this mug somewhere in the universe of a cauldron mug with a cat. I saw that way though peeking in and then all these people have been making the mug and I love it so much.

TaKenya
Oh my god, it’s so crazy. Take pi is an animal.

Stephie
So it’s gonna cost me it’s gonna cost me so much money I ordered I actually ordered Alex’s Christmas gift off this weekend like there is an account that I saw and on the off chance he listens to this I’m not gonna name what it is after Christmas and I’ll talk about it but there’s an account that I follow and I was like oh my gosh, this is so cool. And I like I actually set a tight like a calendar reminder for myself of like, the time and date that they were restocking their shop and wow like it restocked on Sunday and I hopped on and was able to snag one of their pieces because like they’ve become really popular and tik tok and so like, because you know, their maker, and they aren’t like mass producing stuff, like their stuff sells out pretty quickly. But I have a few shops that I’ve been like following because I come across these makers that makes such cool, beautiful, just unique things. And I’m like, Oh my gosh, I need all of it. This is gonna cost me so much money, but I’m

TaKenya
not unique. That rabbit hole. Oh my god.

Megan
She has like, she has her credit card account memorized. And I do not have my mind memorize. So it saves me from buying a lot of stuff. But I just love. I know a lot of people make fun of tic toc. But I really love

Stephie
we have been those people I really have

Megan
been those people for. I just got to eat my word

TaKenya
early, like four weeks ago. I got on and I say lungs and badjao out on it.

Megan
Yeah, for sure. I just love how it’s actually still I mean there’s a lot of ridiculous things on tik tok Of course, but there’s so much amazing collaborative stuff on there. Yeah, that I

TaKenya
tell you some of it is just pure entertainment though. So my favorite these days right now is there is this account this guy takes like animal videos and he talks over them but like

Stephie
I love him.

TaKenya
Oh my god, you know what I’m talking about? Yes. The one was the one with the bird that was trying to step on the the chute What does it cause the thing like this swimmers used to hold on to when they’re learning how to kick whatever that 40 word thing Yeah, yeah. And it was a person holding up the keyboard and the this bird which I thought was like not even a real bird but it was it was the cutest thing and he kept going on and then like putting a foot on and then like getting off and he was like narrating it it was like a four part video series and I like found and watched all of them it was the cutest thing and then next thing I know I just saw like all of these dog videos and cat videos and I was just scrolling through his whole account It was like the best thing ever Yeah,

Stephie
I love when I’ll just like find something and then I’ll just end up down this like weird little rabbit hole and I’m just like I have to a consume every one of this person’s videos and also like I hope this leads me to like whatever quarter of Tick Tock This is because this is fascinating. And I need to know more about Riley. Yeah, it’s very it’s very much my like kind of veg out. I’m going to probably fall down a weird rabbit hole app. Because Because I don’t I don’t really follow very many people that I actually know on there like me neither.

TaKenya
So

Stephie
it’s just my like fluff.

TaKenya
Yes, that’s exactly it because I created the account. Like let me get on here and see what everybody’s talking about. So I didn’t follow anybody. I didn’t connect Facebook or any of those things that it wants you to do so you can find your friends. And I’ve literally just been getting whatever comes up for me and it has been it has been selling Using

Stephie
they’ve really narrowed in their algorithm. It’s very good like knock on wood it stays this good because it is pretty great. Yeah,

TaKenya
it’s spot on. I will say they have have mastered that whole algorithm

Stephie
thing. They show me things. I’m like I didn’t. How did you know? I would be so I would be so interested in this

TaKenya
is scary though. Right? Like that kind of scary. Like how the little one I didn’t know.

Stephie
You knew before me that I was obsessed with the anti MLM corner of tik tok. It’s amazing. Oh, my goodness. Well, thank you again for being here. It was so nice to talk to you. our listeners, please go follow TaKenya. She’s amazing. You’re gonna love her as much as we do.

Unknown Speaker
Really? Fun.

Next week’s episode

Megan
So last week, I interviewed Stephie and next week, she’s gonna return the favor by interviewing me.

Stephie
Haha, that’s right. And just like with last week, I’m not gonna let her see the questions beforehand. So in the meantime, leave us a review on Apple podcasts and listen to us on your favorite platform. You can also follow us on social media at IRSI podcast or send us an email at Idratherstayinpodcast@gmail.com we’d love to hear from our listeners.

Megan
Bye

Transcribed by https://otter.ai