Hello! Welcome to episode 123 of I’d Rather Stay In. This week, we’re joined by sex educator Dirty Lola to continue our conversation about sex.

Quick links

• Follow Dirty Lola on Instagram
• Visit Dirty Lola’s website
• Bex Talks Sex website
• Bex Talks Sex’s “Yes/No/Maybe” list
• Ducky DooLittle on Instagram
• Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
• Scarleteen
• Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown

Episode transcript

Megan
Welcome to I’d rather stay in with your hosts Megan Myers and Stephie Predmore. This week we’re continuing our discussion on sex with our special guest Dirty Lola. Stay tuned.

Stephie
Do you love listening to I’d rather stay in and want to support the podcast? Well, now you can visit our website or the LinkedIn or Instagram profile and click Buy me a coffee or visit buy me a coffee.com/irsipodcast for the price of a cup of coffee, you can help us cover the costs of creating this podcast. There are no monthly memberships, and you could support us at whatever level you’d like whenever you like, whether you buy us one coffee, many coffees or simply continue listening as always, we’re so grateful for your support.

Megan
Hello, hi, Stephie Hey, Megan,

Unknown Speaker
what’s up?

Megan
Ah, I, you know, just been going. Live, we school started, which I mentioned last week, and my son is on the soccer team. And so we just had like our first game. And so that that means the first game schedule situation where he goes to school at 715 in the morning, and then he doesn’t come home until like 830 at night or later. Which meant he was eating an enormous amount of taco bell at like nine o’clock last night. I can already tell it’s like, school, you know, schools just started and I can already tell that it’s it’s going to be an interesting year.

Stephie
Yeah, I would say especially considering his time management. Yes. Yeah. It’s historically not the best

Megan
and organizational skills are. It’s gonna get interesting, high school, high school will be a rough entry.

Stephie
Everybody has to learn at some point, you know, it’s fine. You know, healthy cars. Did he have time to like, do his homework in all of that?

Megan
He hasn’t had homework yet. lucky duck. Yeah. So they, they’ve just been, you know, going over what they’re going to do for the year and things like that. But he brought home the syllabi from a few classes and they have to the students and the parents have to sign it. Oh, interesting. I guess you know, to acknowledge that they know the rules for school and all the ways they need to be prepared. And they all say that he needs paper for the classes. And he left his notebook at home today. Well, that’ll. Okay. He gave us the syllabi that all say you need paper. And then he left his paper

Stephie
log that allows also,

Megan
the first day of school, I gave him this notebook and a folder because I knew he would have papers from his teachers. The second day of school, the folder, went on to the table and has been sitting on the table and has been very loose in his bag.

Stephie
I did notice the folder on your dining room table when I was over earlier this week. So that Yep, that explains that explains the mystery blue folder. Yeah. And

Megan
what his algebra teacher specifically in the syllabi, that syllabus says you need to be very organized for this.

Stephie
Oops. Well, you know, he’s got four years to figure it out, I guess before on to the next venture. So I see why we go to high school.

Megan
You’ll be a very trying time for me as a person who feels that she is very organized, especially when it came to school. So if I frantically text you

Stephie
owe me help me. Yeah. i It’s so funny, because you know, he’ll graduate and then you’ll have a year or two before Max is in high school. But whatever you’ve learned with Reese will not apply to max because they’re like opposite humans. Yeah. So let’s

Megan
break Tom’s paper. He brings papers home from school, and they’re always tidally in his folder. They’re never folded 16 times like sometimes they get a piece of paper that’s been folded many times.

Stephie
Yes. Like turned into like one of those little footballs that we all used to make when we were in middle school.

Megan
Now, he doesn’t make those he just folds them.

Stephie
Well. He should have gone to school, the 90s I really would have taught him something.

Megan
Apparently. What’s wrong with you?

Stephie
Honestly, not too much. It’s a It’s i The toddler was up for two hours in the middle of the night last night for unknown reasons. So you know, that was one of those where you’re like, somehow Oh, she ended up in our bed for a few minutes. And I was like, this ain’t going girl. And so we had to get her to a calmed down stage so that then I could transfer her back to her own bed. So, you know, that was that was quite the two hours. So I was like, Why? Why this is the only Tuesday is the only day I am doing things this week, you couldn’t have picked another week day where like, I wasn’t doing something the next day and had to sound intelligent. So love that journey for us. Parents. So it’s funny. So everyone’s like, Oh, parenting, you’re like, you know, being a mom is a delight. Being a parent is exhausting. True. It’s true. things no one tells you. It’s fine. It’s fine. Speaking of things that no one else tells you. I write nice segue. So I noticed like I do this a lot or something.

Megan
Well, last week, Stephie and I clicked off this mini series about sex by sharing our own sex origin stories.

Stephie
And this week, we are continuing the conversation by digging into the issues and stigmas that people with fulvous face regarding sex. For this part of the conversation. We wanted to bring in an expert on this topic. And we are so excited to be joined today by sex edutainer, speaker and self proclaimed dildo slinger Dirty Lola. Welcome to the podcast, Lola.

Lola
Hi. Thank you for having me.

Megan
Thank you so much for being here with us today. Lola, could you tell the listeners a little bit about yourself, your background and how you got into this line of work?

Lola
Oh, that’s a doozy. Oh. I am a sex educator, entertainer. And the entertainer title comes from the fact that I love to teach people while entertaining them. Because I feel like that is where the most information soaks in is when you’re having fun. You know, I’m a 80s 90s, baby. And so I grew up with why am I blanking now, but you all know what I’m Conjunction Junction. And yeah. So, you know, I went, I’ve learned that when people are not expecting to learn a thing, and they’re laughing and they’re having a good time, stuff sinks in, and then it makes them stop and think about things. Which is great. When we you know, when you’re looking at folks who don’t get a lot of information in school, and then as adults, I’m gonna say adults tend to get an ego about what they know, or what they don’t know. And they’re like, I don’t need a class. So you know, that’s a lot of my work. It spans a lot of different areas. I work in a brick and mortar sex shop in Brooklyn. I also work with an online sex shop, as creative director of their online magazine, which is an education space. And then I teach classes, I do speaking engagements, I speak at colleges, I’ve done media work. So it encompasses everything, but it all comes back to sex ed and helping people feel less shame and more curiosity around sex.

Stephie
I love that you speak at colleges, because we talked about this in last week’s episode, but college was really when I like I because I grew up in the evangelical church and deep into purity culture. When I went to my liberal arts college, that’s like when I really started to actually learn useful things about sex. And some of those were actually from like having experts come and speak in a in a fun way, like you were talking about. But a lot of it was just like picking things up from my peers and media. And I think the more of those, you know, actually helpful seminars and speakers that come in the better, especially for kids that were like me that got nothing useful prior to that.

Lola
Yeah. Yeah, it’s college. Six weeks are so important. And I know they get a lot of flack from both student groups, parents, faculty, but these are like kids working really hard. It’s usually there appears throwing these events and trying to, like, find ways to, you know, start the conversations, and I always appreciate when I’m brought in. And the funny thing is, I always prepare to come in and be I’m raunchy, you know, I deal with adults mostly. So I just talk very freely, but when I’m going into a college, I’m like, Okay, we’re gonna like, here’s the stuff I’m gonna like, not really touch on too much, or I’m going to do this and then you do a q&a. And the first question is about like an annual threesome or double penetration and I’m like, Okay, well, that goes out the window. Talking about today. Well, you know, it’s, I found this I’ve done like high school aged kids to have come in to do like Q and A’s like just with different science classes during their Sex Ed Week. I’m here in New York. And the same thing is like kids, kids know things. They are, they know parts of things. And they’re just trying to piece it together. And they will ask you about anything. And and, you know, because I don’t work in the school system, I have a little bit more leeway of being like, I can tell you this, in a way, but you know that maybe your teacher can’t tell you. Like about foot fetishes. That was the first question for my high school class was, Do people really get turned on by feet? Like, really? And he wrote it? And then I was a boy, because when I pulled he was like, Yes, that was my question I really want. Of course, of course. So you know, it just keeps reaffirming what I do and why I do it. And it’s very weird how I got into it. I started out, like, my whole career started with a Twitter account. I was bored, monogamous and married at the time. And I was just recounting some of my old adventures, and I started this was back when Twitter was the Wild Wild West, like 2010. So, you know, I was just on there sharing these things. And what I found through sharing things with folks is so many people were identifying with what I was talking about. Also, like, I’m a, you know, I’m a plus as a black, queer woman. And other people seeing you talk about sex, when you’re in a bigger body. They’re like, Wait, you’re having these event like, oh, I can, I can go out and have these adventures too. Even though my body doesn’t look like the society standard of what is attractive. And I start, you start getting people talking to you about that. And so it kind of grew from there. It turned into a blog. And then the blog turned into me going to different conferences, like the all the sex ed conferences that are all around just to kind of immerse myself in the community. And I wanted to figure out, how can I be a part of it because I’m not a therapist. I don’t have a degree in anything. You know, there’s no special letters. But I do know an ordinate amount about sex because I was a kid who would read anything I could get my hands on. And that continued into my teens into adulthood. And I’ve always been that friend that you could ask questions, and my friends, like you’re a walking encyclopedia of random knowledge and like, Yeah, especially when it comes to sex stuff. I was the Samantha I was the friend who was like you want to I’ll take you to the sex shop. Let’s go.

Let me help you buy it. Let’s get it. Let’s do things. So it morphed out of that. And then my show Sex Ed of gogo came from wanting to have a space where I could go and answer the questions that folks needed answered, you know, also showcasing a lot of the folks I was meeting, because I was going to these conferences and meeting all these amazing educators, therapists, just people in all the parts of the industry, and nobody knows who they are. And so I wanted to have a space where you get to be up close with them and ask questions. And I was also hosting burlesque at the time. So I wanted to combine burlesque as the entertainment portion. But also, a lot of like, most of the people I’ve met through burlesque are geniuses they have all these other things going on in their lives besides stripping, you know, people just kind of knock them down a peg as if they aren’t really smart. And so I combined all those things. And it’s like, here you are, you have these three people, one of them happens to be in a spangly thong. We’re going to answer your questions about sex and have discussions about it on stage. And I’ve done that show for like six years. And then during that time, things started springing off with different speaking engagements and teaching at conferences, doing different talks about different topics. And then it’s just, it’s been, as I know how it happened. But it’s weird. Like, you know, it’s hard to juggle your path when it wasn’t a straight path, nor was it conventional.

Stephie
Right? When you sort of like Blink and wake up one day to go, oh, this is a thing

Lola
I do now. Right, exactly. And that’s kind of what happened, like from a blog to being on Netflix. And being in you know, I used to when I got started, there’s I don’t know if you know, who duck you do a little bit, she’s amazing. But she really was a touchstone for me, because she didn’t have she didn’t have a college degree. And she was doing this work. And a lot of it. She’s like, Listen, you pick it up from all these different organizations you work with in these jobs, and that’s a knowledge base that deserves to be recognized. And you don’t not everybody has like the privilege of going to college. I didn’t. And some of us are self taught and she’s like, you know, a lot of times it comes from experience and so now I’m like, I am almost 11 years deep in this industry as a whole And, you know, I just have so much knowledge that I feel less like, oh, yeah, people like, would you go back to school and like, there wasn’t even a sex educator degree when I started like, this is such a new, like seeing how things have morphed from when I started where you can barely find a certificate course, to go, you know, get something, I think Planned Parenthood was doing a certificate course that now is turned into their turfstone program. It’s not a certificate anymore. But now there’s actual colleges offering this as a track, which I love. I love that people don’t have to struggle to get into this work anymore. Like they can go, oh, okay, I can choose a school that has this as an option. So that makes me happy. Incredible. Yeah,

Stephie
that’s incredible. So about a year ago, you posted on your Instagram about something that we talked about last week. And that’s bothered us for ages, which is how we see ads for erectile dysfunction meds literally everywhere we go. But there is still so much shame and stigma around discussing things like period products, sex toys, or basically anything having to do with a vulva or uterus. And as you say, pleasure isn’t a problem. It’s a right. So can you talk about your fight to end this stigma and how it feels and maybe sometimes exhausts you? Oh, yeah.

Lola
You know, I, part of what I do, a lot of what I do, everything that I do is it’s activism in itself. And I say that to folks all the time, like activism isn’t just standing outside and marching, even though those are very important parts. It’s the work you do and how you do it. And so when we show up, and you keep talking about things, and you keep putting it out there, no matter what the hurdles, and you find your way around, like, that’s activism, and you’re like, I am going to keep this thing visible, that everyone is working to make invisible. That’s activism. And so it is exhausting. When you can’t just make videos talking about a sex toy where you’re showing it if it’s too phallic, or if it looks like a vulva, or, you know, you can’t show people how things operate even from just a demonstration like, oh, that’s how you turn it on and turn it off. You know, those things will get taken off of tick tock, I know I put when I got on the show principles of pleasure, there’s a screen still of me holding up the toys on the blue background and after the toys in front of me. And I put that in. And one of my I made like a video that was me over the years, it was just like a quick flash. And it didn’t even get posted. They wouldn’t even go they’re like, Nope, you can’t post this because there’s something inappropriate in it. And literally, the only thing that could have been flagged was me holding a plug. Coca Cola. Yeah. So it’s like that stuff is exhausting. Because then you see all of these, not just like still as the commercials, and things that are all about like the male libido and making your penis work. And like while I’m here for it, and it’s important, and I am always going to champion like sex ed for all and access. For all It’s infuriating when we can’t even talk about pleasure products, or we can’t talk about periods. We can’t show things that look to phallic on a period ad but you can show a cactus and you know, standing straight a wilted cactus, and then a character standing straight up. And, uh, you know, a him that like one of those. I’m like, How is this okay? But an artist’s rendering that has like a plant that they found to salad gotten, you know, from the MTA was like, No, we can’t put that up. So that kind of stuff is just like, how do we get past it? How do we keep doing it? And I mean, the answer is just be relentless and Being Annoying.

Stephie
Well, yeah, I mean, we do you love being annoying. Yeah, I

Lola
mean, you have to you have to be the rock in somebody’s shoe. A lot of times. And then I think you start seeing the tide turn a little bit like, if you look at Netflix, we have sex education, we we got principles of pleasure, we got how to build a sex room, we have, we have 365, we have the second installment of 365. Like there’s so much more outward facing SEC stuff on like a major streaming platform now. And that’s not even to say, like all the other streaming platforms and the things that they’re allowing. So I feel like those are things that give me hope, where it’s like, even though they’re not perfect, and I have so much to say about some of those, those things. I am glad that there are people getting to see this as a normalized thing.

Stephie
Yeah, absolutely. Well, and you know, I think we I think you can Take a look at, you know, other areas of activism like queer activism. And we see, there’s been so much so many pieces of media, particularly, I think Netflix is where I watch a lot of things with, you know, for example, non binary characters being introduced and having it just be completely normal, right, and not be like a big deal and a big part of the plot, like, there’s a non binary character, and that’s, that’s just who they are. And so, you know, I think it’s, I think that does, you know, sort of give you hope, like, okay, there are these other areas that are starting of activism that are starting to grow. And hopefully, we can follow suit. And we can reach a place where we can all be talking about these things openly, and in a totally normal way, and not have it be like, Oh, my gosh, right.

Lola
I mean, look at you know, I’m a big cartoon watcher, and I love I’m a Steven Universe fan. And I’m a Craig of the creek fan. And those are two shows that openly have queer and non binary narratives and trans narratives, that they’re not going this is bad. This is binary, non binary, this is trans. It’s, if you’re watching it, you just get it. And the thing is, is kids are getting it and it’s sinking in, in a way of like, okay, humans, there’s, there’s a lot of different kinds of humans got it, check, okay, and they can move along. And I mean, but as an adult watching this stuff, I cry, happy tears, because I’m watching the show, and you have them just fluidly go into like, they then pronouns on Craig of the creek one day, and I’m just like, all the kids are gonna be okay.

Stephie
Right, whereas, like, when we were growing up, if there was a gay couple that kissed on, like, Primetime TV, it was in the nougat, it

Megan
was like, We magazine covers forever.

Lola
Yeah, or not only that, it was a very special episode. That was like, a whole narrative about, like, gay or whatever was going on. And we had it, it was like, here’s the lesson, you know, it was kind of shoved down our throats instead of making it, this seamless part of like, everything you’re doing. And I love that we’re seeing that more still so much work to do still so much, you know, like, things we have to do. But as a, you know, being 40. And I feel like, somebody was like, they’ve spent so many decades and I’m like, stop talking about it. We haven’t, you know, we’ve seen the shift over time and a little bit of the swing back, but still how people are like, No, we’re not like gonna go back. And I think that’s why I haven’t fully lost all hope is because I do see those glimmers of people pushing and going, No, we’re like, we’re not. I’m not doing that.

Stephie
Right. I’m not gonna shut up about it. So yep. I love that.

Megan
Craig of the creek is one of my fourth graders favorite shows. And I don’t think he even noticed because they did it so, so easily. It was just part of the show. And it wasn’t even a thing. And he didn’t he didn’t ask me questions or anything. He just like, he just really loves the show. And so you’re right, every time I watch a show with him, where they do stuff like that, it just makes me so happy that there is that representation out there.

Lola
And there’s all and I just it’s it’s not just, you know, queer, non binary, like there’s the different cultures that they showcase. And there’s like, they have a deaf character, and they don’t harp on it. It’s just like, Oh, you just see them doing silent with one other character and then in like, Oh, what did he say, you know, they’re just, it’s just normal. It’s like a normal life interaction. And I just love that. And I love that kids are able to witness it and not feel like they have to ask question because they’re like, oh, yeah, okay, I get that. This works.

Megan
Yeah, yeah, it’s a great show. I highly recommend it to anyone out there. So people with Volvo has experienced many different types of sexual dysfunction, including low libido intubated, inability to orgasm, pain during sex, just to name a few. Even though these are incredibly common issues, it’s easy to feel alone if you’re experiencing them because so few people talk about them and doctors tend to brush them off. Can you speak on just how common these issues are and how people experiencing them can seek out solutions?

Lola
Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, the one of the things I loved about principles of pleasure was how they really broke down attraction, and libido and we’re all of that comes from because I don’t think we think of that in though in those terms, especially women. It’s kind of like we think of it more as a feeling and less of a brain thing. When really it is a brain thing. It’s, we need a lot. We need a lot to be happening in order to get those to those play. He says it is so common on different levels. It’s some people have very high libido for a very long time. And then they’ll have a dip and they start panicking. And they worry that it’s not going to come back. I’m one of those people, like when I hit my 30s, everything exploded My 30s was crazier than my 20s. You know, I was like, Oh, this is what they’ve been talking about. The into my 30s, my 40s. And it became, still, I was like, interested in all these things. But I felt like more time could go between me not having sex and then having sex. And, you know, I live alone. My partner, my main partner is long distance, and I’ve been dating, but sometimes it’s like, okay, I’ll realize like, oh, it’s, it’s been like a month. Well, then I masturbate a lot. You know, I’m a prolific masturbator, I believe in self love. And so I think that’s also for me why I don’t pay attention to to it as much. But I have noticed that shift. And when you notice that shift, and you start talking to other people about it, it pops up. So it is very normal. Sometimes it’s hormonal, sometimes it’s just life. You know, it’s you have kids, you’re super busy. You know, the husband, you know, there’s so much happening in life, that it’s hard to like pause, and let yourself get into a place where you can feel attractive, and desire or want to desire. I store it from yesterday, my partner, I’m going to visit him. And so he sends me this really sexy text. And I’m in the middle of everything, like literally at my desk, doing all these emails, I’ve got stacks of paper all around me, I see it come in, I opened it up. And I read it and I get this little like ping of like, Oh, I’m excited to see him. And this is cute. But I put my phone down. And then he sends me back. And he’s like, Do you crave me and I laughed out loud. And because we have the kind of relationship where we openly talk to each other. And I don’t feel like I have to, you know, go Yeah, I’m like, you know, you can’t ask me those questions when I’m in the middle of things. Because I can’t access them. My brain is busy. Yeah, I’m like, I literally am not thinking I’m like, no shade, not thinking about you right now. And so many things to do before I get on a plane tomorrow at 730 in the morning. So I love you. But this was not where my head is. And he goes, You know, I should have asked you what you were doing before I sent that I was like that would have been helpful. And we have that, you know, we have that kind of relationship where he doesn’t take it to heart. He knows how I am. He knows when I’m busy. I get blinders on it’s like hallway, you know, and I’m not. There’s no room for all for that. But then to make room, I have to shut that stuff down. So having those kinds of like realizing that stuff about yourself. And that it’s not that it’s not a problem. It’s not a problem, per se, it’s like, oh, this is something I need to be aware of. So like when you do if you are missing sex with your partner, but not sure how to access that again, look at like, what’s going on around you? Are you knee deep and everything being busy, y’all were talking about school starting back, that sounds so hectic. And I was like, I’m glad I don’t have kids. This is like so much work. But that’s so much to be juggling. That to then be able to like, turn that switch where you can feel hot and sexy for your partner. So it’s, it’s being aware of what’s going on in your life and trying to find solutions for that. It’s uh, something to you know, start that communication with your partner and like not necessarily making it their problem, but like saying, hey, when I’m stressed, or when a lot is going on, it’s hard for me to feel this way. I want to feel this way I want to be in this mode. But I need things to be calmer and like, can we figure out how to do that. And sometimes it’s taking a little trip away even an overnight in a hotel. I have some really good friends. They have a three year old now or threenager as

gets it to a tee. And you know they do they’ll go away for just a night just to be not in their house where there’s clutter, where their kiddo is there like killed, you know, they leave him with his grandparents and just a way to like one get sleep, which they don’t get a lot of and to just be able to connect in a space where there’s nothing around you calling to you. So those are ways to access it. I’m thinking about carving out time for yourself. Just alone time to masturbate, even if that’s like in your bathroom. I know the bathroom tends to be everybody’s temple. Especially during the pandemic a lot of people gravitated towards like, I’m gonna go just be in the bath. Because that was the space everybody had to be alone, you know? So I always tell people, like if that’s your space where everybody leaves you alone, nobody’s gonna bother you and you think that To be the time you can get your most, you know, self time, maybe that’s the space where you you go take care of yourself masturbate, or even just taking care of yourself. Like, I have all these really nice lotions and soaps and things in my shower. And when I am feeling just so stressed to the point and I know I need like a break, I just go in and reconnect with myself by like, cleaning my body and the smells and like just making Avolites about lights on Amazon for the bathroom that make different colors, you know, I just make an aha moment. Yeah, because it’s I you know, it’s not just about sex is about sensuality, and reconnecting with yourself. And I’ll do that sometimes that’s like a good alone night when I’m like self care. I’ll set up the bathroom. And then I do all the lotions and all the oils and all the hair stuff. And I come out feeling like a new person. And sometimes I’ll masturbate after. Sometimes I don’t sometimes I curl up in bed, and I’ll read a book. But it’s like, I feel more like myself on those nights, especially after a lot of madness. Because we kind of lose ourselves sometimes. So I think that’s an important part for folks to remember, especially women, that we have so much happening. And we tend to be responsible for a lot of things that maybe our spouses aren’t or, you know, especially when we have kids, and that we have to give ourselves a break. And that when we don’t give ourselves a break, the burnout for us tends to go sex first.

Stephie
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it really does. So okay, let’s talk about creativity in the bedroom. So I’m one of those people I who has a really difficult time reaching orgasm, and I am really lucky. I mentioned this last week, I have a partner who you know, regularly suggests different things we can try. And he’s really dedicated to making sex truly pleasurable for both of us. For folks that are listening, who think that getting a little creative with sex might help them whether it’s using new toys, or watching porn together, or whatever it might be. What are some ways that they can approach this conversation with their partner? And what would you recommend for quote, beginners here?

Lola
Yeah, I love framing it as a date night. So we get a lot of people coming in to the sex shop, as on dates, like, they’ll go to brunch first, and then they’ll come in to just shop. And sometimes they’re just window shopping. Sometimes they’re there with a mission. Like they come in, like we want this thing. But it’s cute, seeing people walk around and touch things and be playful and show each other things. And sometimes it’s like neatly so lingerie, so they’ll do like a little lingerie, and, you know, it’s you can tell that like, Oh, y’all have not been out for a while, and you were just really enjoying yourselves. And I like framing it like that, because there’s no pressure. Dates are really good and connective and are like that, that little beginning is the beginning of the sentence, that period of sex dates are the beginning of that sentence. So getting you kind of set up into that. And I think it’s easier to approach it when you’re like, I think this would be fun, I would like to go check some things out with you. And less of, you know, I want to go by this very specific thing. And I want you know, I want you to come with me, or I’m gonna go by myself, I’m gonna get him bring it home. Especially for those who have like a partner who’s apprehensive about you bringing sex toys into the bedroom, when you go into a shop, especially one that has like a staff, a knowledgeable staff or sex ed aware staff. I think they make it easier to help folks find things and kind of suit some of those fears. And also point you towards things that you may not have thought of, you know, creative fun things that you’re like, Oh, I didn’t think of this, or I’ve never seen this, which a lot of people have not seen a lot of things that are insect shops. So I like those things. I’m sitting down and talking about stuff when it’s not sexy times. So if you just have like a night where you’re, it’s after dinner, kids are already down. And you’re just like hanging out together, taking a moment to just talk about some stuff when there isn’t sex on the line. I think a lot of people make the mistake to have these intense and sometimes hard talks right before they have sex, which nobody wants to have sex Africa. So having these talks where you can sit and go like I’m curious about this stuff, or I think this might be helpful or even just like I’m having some issues. And I you know, I would like to try to figure this out and I’d like you to be a part of helping me figure this out. But doing it when you can just be together and not have it be like oh, well now there’s no mood or we ruin the mood. Like if you don’t there’s no mood to ruin. It’s easier to have convert stations about it. I love a good yes no maybe list. They are used a lot in the kink community. So yes, no maybe list are there’s so many available all over the place. My favorite one is by Beck’s Caputo backstock sex, and they created one that you can actually fill things in. So they give you all the choices. So it’s all these different things you could put, but stuff or bondage or nipple clamps or whatever. And then it’s a whole list. And then there’s a yes, column and no column and maybe, and basically you take each take your paper, you sit down, you go down the list, and if you’re like, Ooh, yeah, that’s a thing I would do. Or I like you put that in the Yes. If it’s a if it’s a maybe it’d be like, I’m curious. We put it there. And if it’s a no, like, I’m definitely not into that you put it there. And then you can swap papers with each other. So you can see what the other person marked down where you where you do match up, where you might not have even thought you messed up because maybe you were afraid to talk about it. Or you know, just apprehensive about talking about it. You might find that like, oh, we actually match up in this area. And then you can concede some things about like, Oh, what are you curious about?

Megan
I love that idea. Yes,

Lola
it’s a good conversation starter. Because it all starts with me. Like it all starts with your brain, and then your body will follow. You know, I like that. And you mentioned watching porn, I am a fan of watching porn together, or at least finding like a sexy movie. Because sometimes porn can be a lot for people. So like, you know, like your nine and a half weeks or even like the night 365 on Netflix, which is cheesy, but hot, and it makes no sense. But it’s who cares. It doesn’t need to. You know, sitting and having that, you know, Netflix and chill with your spouse is a great way to like, kick things off or see some stuff that you haven’t seen before. Like maybe we want to try that move.

Stephie
Yeah, like that. Sort of dipping your toe into it.

Megan
Right? What is the number one thing people get wrong about sex toys?

Lola
Who that one size fits all? I think people for sex toys like, like they shop for a refrigerator, right? Like, when you’re shopping for a refrigerator. People are like, okay, it’s a fridge, whatever, as long as it fits in the slot that isn’t in your house, whatever. And you might look for some attributes that you want in it. And then but most of all, you’re just like, Okay, this is a refrigerator and it’s going to cool my food and it’s going to work the same way. The thing is, is when you really think about buying any appliance, you do have to think about oh, will it fit in this spot? Is it too tall? Is it too wide? Is it you know, going to be too low for me? Where do I want the freezer? Are we a top freezer family? Aren’t we a bottom freezer family? Are we a fridge door? Are we a single door? Do we want a freezer with a light? Like there’s all these things that maybe you’re not totally thinking about when you see them spread out for you? You’re like, oh, oh, I like all of these things. Sex toys are in that way. You have to actually think about all the ways that they might work for you before because people come in and they’re like, Oh, my friend told me about this vibrator, and she loved it. And it’s amazing. It’s like, yes, it might work for your friend. But you might get this $200 vibrator home and hate it. And it won’t work for you. And then you’ll decide no sex toys work for you or you’re broken. Or you know, or you just have a bad opinion because you had you tried one. Whereas if you stopped and you thought about oh, do I want something for internal stimulation or external stimulation? I’m not sure. How do I orgasm? What’s the way most orgasm? auric Am I looking to explore other ways to orgasm? You know, do I have a narrow vaginal canal? Is this toy too big? Is this one, you know, not big enough? Do I need something that’s more flexible? There’s so many things that people don’t take into context when they’re buying toys. They just think they’ll come in and see like 1000 toys on a shelf all different and go Well which one should I get? And I’m like well what are you using it? Like that narrows it down I’ve literally had somebody like give me the one popular thing and I’m like this too many different sections like are you looking for but toy Are you looking for? Something that’s penis focused? Are you looking for like a couple’s focus toy? Are you looking for whichever thing would be for a couple but there’s some things made that are a little bit more like the focus is on being it used with a partner. Are you looking for something that’s just for tutorial something that for G spot, you know, do you want something that vibrates? See why out how fast do you want it to vibrate? Like there’s so many things to take in? And I want people to think about that before they come in, because coming in and just going, Oh, I just, I just want something and it’s like, well, what’s, what’s something?

Stephie
Well, and that speaks to finding a shop with employees who are actually knowledgeable and aren’t just going to, like slap the most expensive thing in your hand and be like, okay, fun by

Lola
right or tell you like, this is guaranteed to work. I hate that I will never guarantee anything to anyone. As a person who does not come easily. I know, like, I’ve tried so many things. So many toys. And some things are an uphill battle and some work for me, like right on time, right on point. But that doesn’t mean it’s gonna work for other people. So it’s, it really is about stopping to think about your body, which a lot of people don’t do. They don’t think about what they might need. And it may just because they’ve never had to, you know, they’ve never stopped to go like, Oh, this is, I prefer this over. This is not a thing a lot of people have done and then they come by a toy. And they’ll say like, Oh, I’ve had one toy since college, and they’re in their 40s. And they’ve never bought another toy and it finally broke. And so now they’re out, trying to buy something in a world where there’s so many things out there, and they have to kind of rethink what they want, or what they need. Because also your body’s different. Yeah, for sure.

Stephie
So, you know, coming back to this, this shame and stigma. How can we as like, individuals work through that shame and stigma that’s so often associated with basically anything besides playing all missionary sex? Yeah.

Lola
Oh, it’s a journey, for sure. And it really starts with yourself and like accepting, like, you have to be able to do you have to be able to look at yourself as a desirable being? And that is a yes. And that is not an easy thing. You know, I say that as if you can just be like, Okay, I’m a desirable being. And it’s, you know, in the show, they talked about mirror work and looking at your body and every day, you know, doing something new and spending a little bit more time. And I think, because it’s really about body acceptance. I don’t, you know, there can be there’s such thing as toxic body positivity, right? And I and I don’t, I’ve stopped saying, like, you have, you gotta love yourself. And I’m like, I like I love myself, but my body. We’re buddies, like, we, you know, there’s there days when I can say like, Oh, I love you, buddy. And there are days where I’m like, You know what, girl, you’re okay. But what I told myself was, I can’t say I don’t like myself. I’m not allowed to say bad things about myself anymore. I can say like, you know what, maybe maybe I don’t give myself a compliment today, but I’m not allowed to be negative. And that’s helped. And it really has stopped that spiral. You know, when you have those bad days, those bad body days, it stopped the spiral because I’m like, I can’t Okay, I don’t feel good, but I can’t sit here and berate myself. And then it’s made those days when when I really am enjoying myself. I can be like, real nice to myself, like Girl look at that. But oh my god, these Oh, look at you in these panties. Like, I you know, when you look in the mirror and you’re like, Oh, yes, I would totally have sex with myself, this is great. You have to you have to get to those moments, you have to get to those Lizzo moments, right? You have to get to those, like, Oh, I am fine. I am you know, anybody would want this. This is amazing. You know, you got it, you got to hype yourself up. Because if you don’t see yourself as a desirable being, it’s gonna be really hard for you to feel desire or to really just really enjoy any parts because you have to, you know, we have to touch ourselves. You got to get intimate with your body. And if you don’t like what you see or what you feel, that’s gonna be really hard to do. It’s gonna be really hard to connect with yourself. So, you know, there’s so many books and things I don’t I don’t have anything off the top of my head. Well, that’s come as you are, which I think is great. And that’s just learning about your body and learning that how your body is shaped especially your vulva is normal. Which, you know, so many people think that they’re shaped weirdly and they Oh, nobody else has labia this long. Like I have almost non existent inner labia. They are tiny. They’re like these little baby inner labia. And for the longest time, I was like, Oh my God, there’s any else buddy else like this. And one day I tweeted out I was like, Who else has very low hard outer labia like juicy. Oh, no. And you know how many people were like mine are so tiny. And I was like, Yay, I’m not alone. And you know, and I, but I, but when you so when you talk about those things, or you read them in books, or you see things, it’s like, it starts to adjust the picture, the thing, the bill of goods, we were sold about bodies and how they’re supposed to look. You know, first of all, realizing that that’s bullshit. And even even all the people we see on Instagram, it’s angles, it’s doing ungodly things to your body, sometimes to make them look a certain way. It’s a lot of money. And sometimes you just have to, like, you know, I don’t have any of that, but I really liked my body. Also, I lean in on the people I trust to do like my body. That was a big thing for me, was, you know, I never I, when they say, oh, you can’t see yourself in somebody else’s life. And I’m like, Yeah, you can. You can people who love you and cherish you. And you know, see you for your beauty. Those are the people you need to look through your eyes, when you can’t see yourself like that. Having a partner who just looks at you adoringly and loves you. And I will say to myself, you know, you have all this, if you if you were all the bad things, you keep telling yourself yourself, you are, you wouldn’t have that. And do you think your partner’s a liar? No, well, then you can’t say they’re lying when they say that they think you’re beautiful, and they love your body. And, you know, those were things I kept reminding myself throughout my journey of was like, there are people that literally worship your body sometimes. How are you standing here being mean to yourself, like, just remember that stuff. And that was so helpful. It really was. Because brains are mean.

Our brains are mean, they’re a bad neighborhood. Or that in the class was it was like that your brain can be a bad neighborhood, it’s dangerous in there. You know, they’ll jump out and get you on that you’ll be having a great day. And then suddenly, it’ll be like, Ah, look at that belly roll. And you’re like, No, but you know, on those days now, I’m like, Look at my cute little belly. Hello, how are you? You know, just having just connecting with yourself more. And over time, you’ll get there. It is a journey. I don’t I don’t ever want to tell people like a thing. Like your it’s going to be instant. But when you start yourself on that path to kindness with yourself, and doing mirror work, and even reading books, like I love the Body Keeps the Score, especially if you’re a survivor. Yeah, any fashion? Yeah, I am to, uh, you know what? To be real. I’ve only gotten through a little bit of it, because it pings so much for me. And I’m like, I have to read it slow. Yes, I’m still working my way through it. But it’s so good. It’s so good. And those are those are that’s like that self work. That I think is part of taking care of ourselves. Like that’s self care, buying books that to sit and read and learn about your body. That’s self care. Like, yes, self care can be a massage, and a manicure. But also, you know, retraining your brain when you’re feeling different about your body, you know, and even how, like your relationship with food, my relationship with food is completely different than it was a long time ago. And all of that translated into me feeling like a sexier person, just because I’ve shifted a lot of how I think about things. So it took, it took a while, like my 20s I was very low self esteem. 30s was great. And on that road of like, oh my god, life is great. And 40 Now it’s like, Ooh, hello, new body things that I have to readjust. Now, it’s like, what aging?

Stephie
What a great, what a great reminder that it is all tied together that, you know, it’s not like our trauma is separate. And it’s over here. And our you know, relationship with food is separate. And it’s over here and our sex lives are separate. And it’s over here. Like it is all tied together and we have to work on all of it.

Lola
Yep. And sometimes you’ll find you’re, you’re kind of if you’re focusing on this next up, you start like when I started really delving into more sexuality, desire things with myself, that was a big boost for my self esteem. You know, when I started exploring kink that changed the game for me self esteem wise. Like completely I think that was my pivot point. And I’m not saying go out and you know, be kinky and get a DOM but if it’s your inclination, and that is a thing that you’re looking to to explore. It was a big, a big game changer. I tell the story often, but I had my first dorm was online, like I was just very curious. And I found this lovely man who was like, you know, it’s dangerous out here but I want to like help you like he was giving me terms and things to read. And we had like protocol and all these different things because he’s like, you know, submission is a thing we want to explore, here’s some of the things you might expect. And one of the protocol was I had to send pictures every morning. So I had a certain time, I had to send him a nude picture and a picture of my outfit of the day. Those were his two things. And the first morning, the nude photo, I sobbed. Because I did not want to share it. And I finally got myself together and sent me a picture. And he’s like, why are you crying? We could see visibly I had been crying. And I’m like, I just don’t want you to see that. Like, I don’t, I don’t want to see this. And he’s like, if I didn’t want to see it, I wouldn’t ask you for it. And I you know, and that stuck with me. And he’s like, you can’t you know, you can’t think of it like that. He’s like, I want to see this and every day got better. And towards the end of our relationship, like our last day of protocol, he said, I’d like one last photo of you. And I sent him the two photos. And then he sends back my first nude I ever sent him the last one. And he’s looking at you, you’re a completely different person. In the first picture. I’m slumped, I’ve been crying. Like I’m almost like trying to cover myself with myself. And the second I got my hands on my hips, I’m smiling, my back is straight. And it’s like you’re a completely different person. And these two pictures, and I realized like, my body wasn’t that different. I hadn’t lost a lot of weight. It was just I stopped feeling so shitty about myself. And it was Wow. Yeah. So you know that it’s, it’s a journey that you can go on. And I I believe that we can all make it to a better place. Like even if it’s you don’t love your body that you at least are kind to your body.

Stephie
For sure that you at least have the rule that you’re not going to be mean to your body. Yeah, I think I think that’s a great place to start where you said like, I’m not gonna say anything negative about my body, even if some days it’s just a neutral statement about my body. I think that’s a great place for that’s a great place to start.

Lola
Yeah, like you just maybe you’re giving your body the silent treatment, but you don’t have to be cruel.

Stephie
Yeah. Yeah.

Megan
We have so many more questions, but we are running out of time. Could you quickly share some of your favorite resources for people who are struggling with sex and don’t know where to turn? And people who are looking to get resources for people who are looking to get more involved in the sex positive community?

Lola
Yeah, so I there’s a site called Scarlett teen, and it’s aimed towards teenagers, but honestly, I love it for adults, because it has so much good information about bodies any question, you know, think about the things teenagers would ask, but also that adults, a lot of adults don’t know. So there’s a lot of articles and things there. And I love that as a resource I mentioned come as you are I think that is amazing book. If you are just on any kind of journey of learning about your body and your mind and how those things come together, and sex and orgasm orgasms, it’s like, so good. So good. And Emily was in the principles of pleasure. Pleasure activism is another great book that I love. There’s so many good books. And usually if you find those books on the list, they’ll list other other other books that are amazing. And oh, what was the other resource? You said those

Megan
people who are looking to get more involved in the sex positive community?

Lola
Yes, that I follow folks like myself and you know, other educators that you’ve come across, were a bit scattered and things like that. But there are different conferences. They’re all in different regions. There’s like sex down south, which is in Atlanta, and that’s happening soon. There’s southwest love fest. Those are the two major ones I can’t my brain is letting me think of right now. But there’s so many different conferences, if you Google sex positive conference, or sex ed conference, so many things pop up. And I think they’re always open to the public. They’re great because you get to go meet folks who do this work, but they’re also doing talks. So there’s so many like workshops and seminars that you can go to and learn things like we’re going to learn from from our peers, but you can come in and just learn so many things about your body and sexuality and mental health and there’s so many areas that covers and you know, there’s some of them that are more kink skewed or non monogamy skewed. So you have a lot of places you can go and it’s a good place to go meet people and really kind of sink your into like that the sex positive community and what is going on in it and how you can get involved.

Stephie
Amazing. So then how can our listeners connect with you and take part in the services you offer? Yeah, so

Lola
you can find me on Instagram and Twitter at dirty Lola. And then my website is dirty lola.co. And that has a, you know, contact me page and you can get in touch with me about different speaking things. I do want to one on one talks as well with folks like consultations, I’ve done like six way. consultations, I’ve helped people online shop. So whatever you if you need something, and it seems weird, contact me because I’ll probably I love that first person who was like, I just want a buddy to online shop with and like so I can ask you questions again. We could do it. Tell me what? That sounds like fun. Yeah. And we sat on Zoom together and went into a website and just went through different things together. And I was like, oh, go look at this. And they were like, Oh, what’s this? You know, so it was really lovely. And it was a nice hour. It was when during lockdown. So we couldn’t go into a brick and mortar. And it was great. It was like your, you know, six to eight concierge.

Stephie
It’s so much fun. Well, thank you, Lola, for being here with us. This was an excellent conversation. We appreciate you taking time out of your very busy schedule to come and chat. Lovely. So before we end here, we always like to talk about what’s bringing us joy this week. Lola, what is something that is making you happy right now?

Lola
is making me happy. Oh my god. It’s so early for this. But Christmas is coming. Yeah.

Stephie
We’re fine with that. Okay, well,

Lola
no, and I’m Not and No, I don’t have the Halloween folks. Don’t come for me. I love Halloween. But I am planning a I’m getting a party bus for my family. So we can go see like all the Christmas lights and things together. It’s my like gift to my nieces and nephews. And it’s just been bringing me so much joy because when I’m an organized like super over organized person. So like to be doing this now. I’m like, Oh, this is so great. And I do love Christmas. So it’s I’m making like an itinerary. And I was up late last night doing that. So I’m a nerd like that. But that it’s really made me happy that I’m like, so ready to see everybody’s faces and especially the kids and like that’s that my heart burst. And

Stephie
so Run. Get it making detailed itineraries is like, we don’t know anything about that. Like our favorite thing. So actually very much understand. Yeah. Get a list is a lavalier. Who needs honestly, that’s, that’s, that’s my kind of porn right there. All right.

Megan
Stephie what’s bringing you joy? Ah,

Stephie
I have therapy this afternoon. And I really love my therapist. She’s incredible. And she’s sassy. And she’s the best. But I just it’s like one of those. It’s one of those weeks where I’m like, Yes, I am gonna go talk to my therapist. And I think it’s going to be a much needed hour. So and then I’ll come home and I’ll take a nap. So looking forward to both of those things. Well, I’m

Megan
happy for you.

Stephie
Thank you. You know, sometimes it’s the little things like therapy. May Megan, what’s bringing you joy?

Megan
I guess also a very little thing. Yesterday, I made ion drinks. Very healthy. What’s that from scratch? Yeah, I was testing a recipe for work. And I was making them from scratch. And I didn’t have to make the whole batch. But I did. And then I ate most of them. And it was 100% worth it. So yes, yes. I’m only sad because I don’t have any left and onion rings. Don’t they don’t really reheat.

Stephie
No, they don’t. I mean, you so you had to eat them all. I mean, to don’t want to waste food.

Megan
Exactly. Yeah.

Stephie
I mean, come on. You’re doing a good thing for the planet by eating all of that. enterings

Megan
Sure. I’ll use that as my justification.

Stephie
I’m here all day. You know where to find me. I am good at that kind of stuff.

Megan
So next week, we will be doing our book club discussion on the novel black cake.

Stephie
So until then, leave us a review on Apple podcasts and follow us on social media at IRSIpodcast. You could also send us an email at I’d rather stay in podcast@gmail.com We’d love to hear from you

Megan
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Transcribed by https://otter.ai